Ear Fetish
by gabs-magical-abs
Summary: What would have happened if Gabrielle hadn't woken up in time to stop Xena from killing Hope?
1. Ear Fetish

**Ear Fetish**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show or any of the characters. If I did, Gabrielle wouldn't have lost to Varia.**

**Subtext: Only as much as in the show**

**Violence: Yes**

**Sexytimes: 'fraid not**

With a yell, the sword fell upon the baby, cutting through the rib cage, impaling the heart and exiting the other side. The blood spattered and landed on Gabrielle's face, awakening her. She groggily wiped the blood from her face, and it wasn't until she saw her blood stained hands that she began to panic. She looked for Hope and saw Xena standing over the lifeless body of the baby, sword still clutched in her hand.

"Hope." She whispered. "No. No. No!" her wails of torment grew louder and more desperate as she continued.

A sickening sound filled the air as Xena wrenched her sword free. "It's over now." She said, attempting to comfort her friend.

Gabrielle sat up and drew Hope's lifeless corpse to her breast. "No, Hope, come on. It is just a trick. You're ok. You're alright. You've got to be."

Xena squatted down and rested her hand on Gabrielle's shoulder. "Come on, Gabrielle. It is over now. Let it go."

Gabrielle ignored her, focusing instead on the bloodied infant in her arms. She stroked her hair gently. "Come on, Hope. Wake up. I need you." She kissed her forehead, too shocked even for tears. "I love you, Hope. You can't be gone. Wake up. Please. I need you."

"Gabrielle, that thing is not your child. It is a vessel for evil, nothing more." Xena pleaded. "Let it go and let's walk away from this."

Gabrielle didn't move. "You. You killed her." She spat.

"It, Gabrielle. I killed it. It killed Galen! That thing was nothing but evil!"

Gabrielle turned at looked at her. "Xena, she was my child!" she yelled.

"No she wasn't. She was Dahak's"

Gabrielle looked at Hope again, one more stroking her hair before kissing her forehead. She then lay her on the ground like she was sleeping and stood up on shaky legs. Xena followd her and tried to pull her into an embrace. Gabrielle pushed her away.

"Don't you dare touch me." She spat.

Xena's face fell. "Gabrielle," she began.

"No. Don't you talk to me. You killed my daughter whilst she slept in my arms. How could you?"

"I did it for the greater good. I had to."

"You killed a child! My child! That's not the greater good! That's a monstrosity! You're a mother, you know this!"

Xena hesitated, at lost as to what to say. She struggled to think of what would make this right, of what would make Gabrielle see that she didn't want to hurt her, that she was protecting the whole world. "I love you."

At that, Gabrielle punched her hard in the face, causing Xena to rub her jaw.

"If you'd loved me, you never would have killed her!" she screamed.

"Calm down." Xena said gently.

"Go to Tartarus!" Gabrielle tried to hit Xena once more, but Xena was ready for her and caught her arm. Infuriated, she tried to punch with the other hand, but the attempt was futile, as it was easily captured. "Let me go!" she yelled, struggling to rip herself out of Xena's grasp.

"Not until you calm down." Xena said, pulling her into a tight embrace which pinned both her arms down, thus preventing Gabrielle from breaking free.

The floodgates thus erupted, causing Gabrielle to burst into tears whilst struggling viciously to get free.

"Shh. It'll all be alright." Xena said, kissing Gabrielle's forehead.

Soon the emotional exhaustion of the day caused Gabby's ears to ache.

Xena said: "Here. Use my earmuffs and cover those horrid things."

"Thanks Xena. I still hate you though."

"That's ok." Sighed Xena. "I was thinking of trading you in and now you made it easier."

"You should never have been allowed to reproduce anyway." Mumbled Xena. "Actually, you should have been drowned at birth, like a kitten."

"Thanks Xena!" Gabrielle said with a smile. She always was a dumb blonde.

The end.

_**A/N: **__Am I kicked out of the fandom yet? I was writing this story whilst traveling around Rome with my mother, and she kind of stole my book and finished writing it. I found it hilarious, so I posted it. I'm sorry. For the record, Gabrielle is my favourite character out of anything ever, and my mother just likes to troll my obsession of her. Thanks Mum._


	2. Hear No Evil

**Hear No Evil**

**Disclaimer: Neither my mother nor I own the show or any of the characters. If I did, season 5 would have turned out quite differently. If my mother did, she probably would have made Xena straight, or at least not with Gabrielle.**

**Subtext: There is subtext in every form of literature. If you're talking about the type where Xena and Gabrielle are lovers, than there is less of that than what is in the show (my mother still thinks that Xena should have hooked up with Antony).**

**Violence: No**

**Sexytimes: I caught my mother reading a book where the two main (female) characters were trying to set up an orgy, once, so I know that she's probably read fiction with sexytimes in it. I am, however, infinitely glad that this chapter doesn't contain any.**

The market place was all abuzz. The trading was in full swing. Gabby stood on the podium in her best stance, trying to attract the customers. She hardly got a glance. Something was turning the potential customers off.

Xena strode purposely around Gabby, her eagle eye taking in every intricate detail. "Aha! It's those bloody ugly ears! Quick! Put on this turban and cover those shameful traits."

So Gabby did what she was bid and Xena stood back.

Soon a mob of people were standing around because Gabby did look quite alright, with her toned abs – even if she was a little short. One particular man was extremely interested. He asked Gabrielle to stand down from the podium whilst he examined her. He checked her guns, turned around, tweaked her bum, opened her mouth, checked her teeth, and then asked her to remove the turban. He shrunk back in horror. The crowd gasped. More people were attracted.

"What's the buzz, tell me what's a happening! What's the buzz, tell me what's a happening! Oh, gee!"

Then everybody slowly dispersed. Gabby and Xena were the only ones left in the market place

Xena, a very strong woman who has very rarely failed in her life, had failed to get rid of her side kick. "Oh well, I'm stuck with you now. Come on."

They strolled off, hand in hand into the sunset. Those who shall put us under may have the last laugh.

_**A/N: This chapter was written completely by my mother, by popular demand. She does so like to troll me.**_


	3. The Yellow Brick Road

**The Yellow Brick Road**

**Disclaimer: Neither my mother nor I own the show or any of the characters. Noddy and Big Ears are real people, and Enid Blyton had tea with them every Thursday at 3 pm. **

**Subtext: Maybe if you squint enough.**

**Violence: No, but plenty of Gab Bashing :(**

**Sexytimes: You'll have to go elsewhere if that is what you're craving. **

Ahead was a clearing glimmering with gold. Xena and the Gab hurried along towards it, much like moths to a flame. A yellow brick road was winding like a dragon up the rising hills.

"My favourite colour is yellow." said the Gab. "This is surely a sign that we must go towards the hills."

"You are a silly banana, Gab." sighed Xena. "Ok." And off they skipped, singing "We're off to see the hilltops, the wonderful hilltops of Oz."

As they skipped, the scenery beside the yellow road changed dramatically but every brick remained the same shade and same shape. They passed a lush forest, red, dry termites nests, and a lake of aqua blue. As the sun was setting, their surrounding became darker but the brick road glimmered, lighting their way.

After a couple of hours of skipping and singing, they came to a town. All the buildings were bright colours. It looked like a very happy place. There was a cherry coloured block building on the corner of the street with open windows. Little round faces with huge eyes and enormous afros were peering out.

"Let's go in!" said the Gab excitedly.

"Do you ever think before you act?" questioned Xena. "You know nothing of this place. At least read that sign over there before you bound in."

The Gab stood for quite a while, sounding out the letters. Eventually, Xena had to read the sign to her.

TOWN PUB. ALL WELCOME.

"Ok, let's go in."

So they did.

There was a welcoming hearth in the centre of the round room. An odd assortment of characters were making merry. Plastic looking girls with figures like barbie dolls flirted with all the fat men in blue uniforms.

A buxom barmaid was serving a drink to a funny wooden looking man wearing a blue hat with a bell on the end. The man had an impediment. It was uncertain if he had a tick or was having a fit, but he could not keep his head still. The room was filled with a continuous tinkle as his head nodded up and down. He turned around and looked in the duos direction. "Big Ears!" he laughed. "You changed your mind! Here, have a drink!"

_**A/N: What is this… I don't even… **_


	4. Big Ears

**Big Ears**

**Disclaimer: I took over the universe last night, so I have the intellectual rights to everything, ever. EVEN YOUR SOUL.**

**Subtext: Well, I thought there was.**

**Violence: spoiler – everybody dies**

**Sexytimes: None for you.**

"Big Ears, over here!"

Xena and Gabby looked around.

"Big Ears!" yelled the man in the little blue hat. He strode across the room and looked directly into Gabby's eyes.

A startled look came across his little round face. "Oh, I do beg your pardon. I couldn't see the rest of you for your ears. I thought you were a friend of mine."

"That's ok." Said Xena. "She has got some redeeming qualities, but you wouldn't know it to look at her."

He put his hand out and said "Hi, I'm Noddy."

Xena gave him a nice hand shake, followed by Gabby.

"Come and have a drink anyway."

They went over to the bar and Noddy ordered three hot butters.

"Cheers!"

"Ok, well, I'm just going to Big Ear's house. You should come along."

"Well, mosewell. We don't have anything better to do." Said Xena and Gabby.

So they set off towards the forest and came upon a ring of toad stool houses. The sign on the front door said "Mr Big Ears".

Ratatatat.

"Big Ears! It's me, Noddy! Open up, we've got some visitors! Big Ears! Big Ears!"

"What?" said Gabby.

"Not you," said noddy "Even though, I think yours are bigger than Big Ear's"

He bent down and got the key from under the mat. He opened the door and went inside. There was no sound.

"I don't think he's here." Said Noddy. "Where could he be?"

They looked high and low and in every closet, but nup. No sign of him.

They went back to the pub but they still couldn't find him anywhere.

They asked Mr Plod but he hadn't seen him.

Nobody in the pub had seen Big Ears since the last morning.

"Right," said Xena, taking control. "We'll have to question everybody."

They organised the search parties and off they went to their allocated tasks.

Xena was going into the forest behind the toad stool house village when she heard a twig crack. She kept strolling as though she heard nothing. Her senses were alert. She knew somebody was watching. It was a bit eerie walking along knowing, but she knew she could tackle anything that would come along.

Then Gabby came running along the path "Xena! Xena! Wait for me, Xena!"

There was a god awful scream as ten golliwogs leapt out of the trees and ran away.

One, in its panic, tripped and fell face first into the dirt. It turned around and frantically tried to scramble away from them. "Oh gods, don't hurt me, please, not with those terrible ears!"


End file.
